Praying To Be Saved
by Josephine Falnor
Summary: *Spoilers for those who haven't read/seen all of Death Note!* Mello leaves Matt at Whammy's House after L's death. When everything comes down to relying on Matt to save him, will Matt come and how will he react? Mello's POV. Rated T for language.
1. Leaving

**Title: Praying To Be Saved**

**Based On: Death Note**

**Be warned, there will be spoilers for anyone that hasn't read well, pretty much all of Death Note. Yeah, that about covers it. If you don't want spoilers, leave now. Otherwise, continue only at your own risk.**

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_**Author's Note: Hello! Here's the start of my first ever fanfiction with chapters. The only other story I've ever published was a one-shot about Sirius Black. This time, I'm trying to do something with chapters. Right now, I don't know how long this will end up being. I've got three chapters already written, so it should be at least four chapters, since what I've got isn't finished up really. Please review! If you have criticism, that's fine. I want to be a better writer, so any suggestions are welcome. Also, please review even if you don't say much. It'll help motivate me to write more! ^_^ **_

_**So, this story is going to be based on Matt and Mello, starting with a flashback to when Mello left Whammy's House. Right now, this isn't actually intended to turn into a shonen-ai/yaoi story, but as I go, I might change my mind. I'll take suggestions about this as well!**_

**_Lastly, I suppose I should have a disclaimer of some sort. I do NOT own Death Note, Matt, Mello, or anything cool for that matter. If I owned Death Note, L and all the Whammy's House kids would have lived. Yeah..._**

_**All that being said, I hope you enjoy the story. ^_^**_

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"Let me come."

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"I promise not to be any trouble."

"I said no."

I remember the night that I left so vividly, it's like it happened yesterday. The night I found out that my, no, our mentor had died; the night I decided to leave.

I remember how he begged and pleaded to come with me. It pained him that I was leaving. He'd been my only friend at the orphanage and it killed me to hurt him like that. Still, it was my only choice.

My life was going to be uncertain for a while; too unpredictable to take him with me. However, I couldn't tell him how dangerous it would be or he'd have stopped me. I don't know how, considering how hard it is to stop me when I'm being stubborn, but he would've found a way. He could do that when he was determined enough. My only choice was to hurt him, break him if I had to, just so long as it would keep him from wanting to follow.

He continued on as I packed, refusing to take no for an answer. I finally just quit speaking altogether, since it wasn't doing any good, and concentrated on fitting as much as I could into my bag.

When I'd finished packing, I picked my bag up and headed for our door. Before I'd even touched the handle, he grabbed my arm to stop me from going. He spoke softly and I knew he was scared. He wasn't even trying to hide it, which was unusual for him.

"Mello, please…Don't leave me."

I honestly thought I was going to die right there; it might have been easier if I had. His eyes were on the verge of tears as he begged me to stay. I watched as one tear fell, working its way down his face. It nearly killed me, what I felt I had to do next.

I dropped my bag on the floor and grabbed his arm, pulling his hand off of me. As roughly as I could, I shoved him away and he fell to the floor. I really did think I'd broken him of any desire to follow me, so I turned away and started to pick up my bag.

"Mel…don't."

His voice was small and tearful as he spoke. I knew I needed to just go, but like the idiot I am, I turned to look at him again.

Tears were falling freely from his eyes and he made no attempt to stop them. I'd never seen him hurt like that, and I'd seen him in pretty bad condition before. The worst part was knowing it was all my fault, that I was the one who made him cry. Usually, I was the one protecting him by beating up anyone who upset him. If he didn't have me to protect him, who did he have? Still, this was all for the best. He'd be better off here than he would if he came.

"No Matt. It's not just that you can't come."

I stopped for a moment; struggling to maintain control of myself. I tried to picture that albino freak, Near, thinking it would be easier to yell at him, but, no matter how hard I tried, all I could see was my best friend, who would never understand why I was saying this.

"I hate you. I don't want to be stuck taking care of you. You're weak, always following me around like a dog or something. It's not my problem that you're incapable of protecting yourself. You shouldn't rely on people so much. It's not fair to anyone, especially me. I have to get away from you. I don't want to live out my life as your goddamned bodyguard!"

I watched as my words sunk in, breaking him completely. I was breaking too, though not in the same way. He tried to talk, but I guess I'd taken that ability away from him as well.

I left the room as fast as I could, knowing that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to leave. As soon as I was out of the building, I ran. All I could do was put as much distance between us as was physically possible. The only thing I wanted was to go back to him, to ask him to forgive me for what I said and did; to tell him how much he meant to me and how I never, ever wanted to hurt him. At the same time, that was impossible. Even if I could force myself to turn around, there was no way I'd be able to look at him after what I did. No explanation would be capable of relieving me of the guilt.

I ran harder, pushing thoughts and images of him out of my mind. My lungs were burning, both from the effort behind not crying and from running faster than I ever had in my life. He would never have to see me again. I would never have to face him for what I said…


	2. Praying

_**Author's Note: Hello! I finished editing chapter 2 today, so here it is! Thank you to everyone who read the story, and a special shout out to ebo2, mondayclaws, and MissehKeehl for reviewing and to Living in a fantasy for reviewing and adding this to story alerts. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have posted this so fast. This chapter is dedicated to you four! **_

_**Also, since I don't think I said it in the last note, this is all from Mello's point of view. The flashback in the last chapter and everything in this chapter. I'm not planning on changing that in any later chapters, but if I do, I'll let you all know.**_

_**Thanks again! ^_^**_

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Now I'm here, alone as the building around me burns and falls apart. The left side of my body caught on fire in the blast and now it smells like smoke. No, that's wrong; it smells like burning flesh. Smoke has a different scent, less potent and it burns my lungs in a different way. That and it always makes me think of…never mind that. I never expected that things would go so bad that I'd be forced to detonate the bomb.

I need help, as much as I hate to admit it. I know that all my subordinates are long gone; either dead or glad to be rid of me, I'd expect. I can't even hope that one of them will return to see if I'm still alive. There's only one person that I can call on now, Matt.

I don't have the resolve to just stay and die, despite the fact that the world would probably be better off if I did, so, as much as I hate to do it, I have to call him. The worst part is knowing that I'm breaking the promise I made to myself, that I would never bother him again. This is worse than bothering, this is begging. I'll be doing the exact same thing he did when I left. Of course, I didn't listen to him, so why should I even begin to hope that he'll listen to me? Still, my options are limited and I know I have to try.

I carefully pull my phone out of my pocket, thankful that I had it in my right pocket which didn't catch fire, and punch in his number, praying that he'll pick up. This is the only chance I'll have at this. If he doesn't answer, I know my body won't last long enough to try again. Still, if that happens, I'll at least try to leave a message, an apology for what I said last time. Dying might be easier if I had a chance to tell him how sorry I was.

Every ring of the phone feels like hours. That's good though, since it gives me a little time to decide what I'll say to him. After two rings, I hear him pick up on the other end. I'm anxious now, waiting to hear his voice.

"Hello?" I hear him say.

It takes me a moment to speak. I haven't heard his voice in years, not since I left. I've tried to remember how it sounded whenever I missed him or when times were especially hard, but actually hearing his voice is different, better. I can't help but calm down a little bit.

"Matt, it's me. I need help and you're the only one I can call." I say, my breathing shallow from inhaling smoke.

"Mello?" he asks, his voice changing slightly as he tries to decide if it's actually me. "Is it really you?" He still seems disbelieving.

"Yeah Matt. It's Mello." That's right. Stupid, dumbass Mello who lied to you and left you on the floor, only to call you for help years later.

"What-"I hear his sentence break, probably because he doesn't know what to ask first.

"Matt, I promise to answer every question you have later. I need you to come get me now…if you're willing." I add, guessing he probably hates me for everything I did to him, not that I would blame him. Actually, it might make me feel better, if I knew he handled my absence by being angry at me instead of crying or something.

It takes him a moment to speak. He's probably trying to decide if I'm worth his time. I know I'm not. I'm scum just for calling him and expecting him to care. He'll probably just say there's no way in hell he's coming to get me; not after everything I said to him. When you tell your best friend you hate them and shove them away, you can't expect them to care about you anymore.

"Where are you?" he finally asks, surprising me. Of course, Matt was always good at surprising me. He was one of the only people whose actions weren't always stupidly obvious to me.

I know that he's close enough to come get me. I've been keeping tabs on him since I left. I couldn't just let him go; I had to know that he was alright. Of course, I was always careful to keep him from knowing. I didn't want him to come looking for me. Even so, he's the reason why I suggested we set up our base in the Los Angeles area. It made it easier to watch over him.

"I'm at the abandoned warehouse on the edge of town. The one west of the city." I inhale too fast and start coughing, dropping the phone accidently. "Please hurry!" I manage to choke out.

I can hear movement on the other end.

"I'm coming." I hear him say before he hangs up. I'm able to relax a bit now, since I'm not trying to talk into the phone. I lay my head down on the ground and listen as the walls crash down around me.

My eyes sting from the smoke and I can't fight to keep them open anymore. I close them, deciding that unconsciousness might be a welcome option at this point. At least it would be a break from the pain. All I can see behind the darkness of my eyelids is Matt. He looks the same as he did when I left. The picture of his face and knowing that he's coming makes me smile.

I can't even feel the left side of my face, which probably means the burns are third degree. I'm not even really thinking anymore, no, that's a lie. I am thinking. I can't help but think about Matt. Why is he bothering to come? After everything I said to him the last time we were together, how can he forgive me for that? My head hurts, just thinking about it.

Death might not be so bad; anything would be better than this. I quickly say a prayer, asking that I live long enough to see Matt again. After every terrible thing I've done, I doubt that God is listening, but still, praying can't hurt. If I do die before he gets here, maybe that short prayer will redeem me a little; I'll be forgiven somewhat and won't end up in the center of hell.

"Keep Matt safe for me, if I die and can't be here to do it." I whisper, my mind drifting.

Slowly, I slip out of consciousness…

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**_Ah, I have a request of all of you reading this. When you review, please tell me if you think Matt and Mello's relationship should stay purely friendship, or if it should go the way of shonen-ai or yaoi. I want your opinions on this! Thank you!_**


	3. Reunion

_**Author's Note:**_ _**Hello again!! Aren't you all lucky, getting two chapters in one day. After this, there may be a slight delay. These are all the chapters I have written so far. I'll write fast though! ^_^**_

_**Thanks so much to all my readers. I'm so, so happy to have people reading this story. Special thanks to ebo2, Living in a fantasy, and MissehKeehl for being my faithful reviewers! Also, a big thank you to Diabolus Kara who not only reviewed, but also added this story to her story alerts and favorites.**_

_**Also, I'm very open to criticism. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! I love you all and I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! ^_^**_

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The first thing I realize is that I'm still in pain, though it's not as excruciating as I remember it being. How can this possibly be death when I still hurt? There are only two explanations I can come up with, the first of which is that I'm in hell. While I don't doubt that's possible (God knows I've been a terrible sinner throughout my life, especially these last few years since joining the mafia,) I sort of thought hell would be worse than this.

That only leaves the option that I'm still alive. If I'm still alive, does that mean he found me? He made in time? The thought makes me suddenly realize that I'm breathing, that my heart's beating. It's all proof that I'm still living. I guess God was listening to me after all, letting me live to see him again.

"Matt?" I try to call out, but my words come out unnaturally quiet. It's difficult to talk, my throat's so dry. Damn, I'm probably on painkillers too. Morphine, or something, though I don't know where he'd have gotten it. Still, that would explain why I'm not in more pain.

"Mello? Are you awake?" I hear Matt's voice. It's beautiful, hearing him speak. Even better then it was on the phone. Despite how quiet I was, he was able to hear me. I feel a hand gently touch the right side of my forehead.

"Ma-att…" I struggle to speak to him. I have to tell him that I care about him, to apologize for leaving him the way I did. All I want is to explain everything, but that's not going to be easy, especially if speaking is so hard.

"Don't talk." I hear him say as he pressed a finger against my lips. I become silent, obeying him. I don't know what I'd say anyways.

I try to open my eyes, to see his face. Maybe I can tell what he's feeling from his expressions. However, when I open my eyes, I still can't see anything. Something's covering them…or maybe they're gone; the price for staying alive.

"Can't…see you…" I mutter, trying to lift a hand to feel where he is.

"Mello, please don't try to talk. You're injuries are too bad. You'll heal faster if you don't strain yourself." He says calmly, gently pushing my arm back down. Sensing what I want, he takes my hand and holds it. I try to tighten my hand around his, not wanting him to go anywhere.

"I'm sorry. Only one side of your face was burned, but I had to bandage both your eyes. It was the best I could do." He lightly touches the cloth bandage on my face as he speaks.

Inside my head, I'm screaming. All I want is to be able to tell him how sorry I am I left, how grateful I am that he saved my life, how happy I am that he's here. My throat feels thicker now. I can't even choke out a few words without it hurting.

"Water..." I finally manage to get out. It might help if I drink something, since I'm probably dehydrated by now. I don't know how long I've been out, so it's fair to guess that it's been a couple days.

Matt lets go of my hand and I hear him jump up and leave. Obviously, I'm very much aware of the fact that he probably doesn't have a glass of water right there, but I can't help but wonder if he'll come back. I'm finally starting to understand what a scared person I really am, and how afraid he was when I left. I'm terrified that he's going to leave me, though I wouldn't blame him if he did. Not after I did the same thing to him. Honestly, I know I'd deserve it. Despite that, it's a difficult thing to think about. I really don't want him to leave me. I'd rather die than lose him.

Matt does come back after a minute, as I tried to convince myself he would. I feel my head being lifted, the hand behind it slow and gentle. Something is held to my lips, probably a cup, so I open my mouth, drinking the water.

After all the years I spent making people mad and having to watch my back to keep from being killed, I can't help but run the idea through my head that he's trying to poison me. It's a ridiculous thought, considering that Matt isn't the kind of person who would poison someone he was taking care of. If all he planned on doing was killing me, then why would he have bothered to come save me from the burning hideout in the first place? No, there's no way he would kill me, so I do my best to push the instinctual thought out of my head, once again hating myself for thinking stupid thoughts.

I finish all the water before he takes the cup away. Unexpectedly though, he doesn't move his hand away from my head. It's nice, I feel calmer knowing he's right there, supporting me physically, rather than just mentally. After I left, it was thinking of him that helped keep me going. I wouldn't have lasted so long if I hadn't had his image in my mind.

"Matt…" I say softly, testing to see if I can talk. It doesn't hurt anymore, not like it did. I must sound better too because he doesn't try to stop me.

Now that I can talk, I have to decide what to say first. When you haven't talked to a person in so many years, there are so many things you want to say to them. I decide to think of it as though I could only tell him one thing. Anything else I get to say is a bonus…no, more than that, it's a blessing. I've been blessed just by getting to see him again. Maybe God doesn't hate me as much as I thought he would.

"…I'm sorry." I whisper. "I didn't mean any of it…what I said w-when…I left." My voice is wavering, more from the emotional pressure rather than the physical pain. Hell, I can handle physical pain, but emotionally I'm breaking, just like that night.

It takes him a moment to reply. I wait silently, terrified that he won't accept my apology. If he decides to flat out tell me that there's no way he can forgive me, God, I don't know what I'll do.

"Why then? Why did you do that to me?" His voice is soft and it sounds hurt, though I can tell he's trying not to show it.

I know there's absolutely nothing I can say that will excuse the way I left him. If I'd simply disappeared that night, that might have been easier for him. Why was I so stupid? Nothing can change what I said to him that night. Nothing can repair the damage completely. There will always be a scar.

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_**A/N: Cliffhanger!! Well, sort of…hehehe… Nah, if I didn't break it off here, I think it would end up being a really, really long chapter and it would take me forever to post it. I'm already working on the next part, so I'll post that soon! **_


	4. Understanding

_**Author's Note: I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for taking so long to write this. Last week was extremely hectic and I did get to write as much as I wanted to. Fortunately, this chapter is very long, as in longer than the last three chapters, so hopefully that will make up for the delay. ^_^**_

_**As always, a huge thank you to all my readers. I greatly appreciate the fact that you all took the time to read this. Special thanks to Diabolus Kara, jinnabun, ebo2, Miss Hal Gibson, MissehKeehl, and Living in a fantasy for reviewing. If it wasn't for your reviews, this chapter would've taken at least another week, probably longer.**_

_**Alright, now I'm just wasting your time. On with the chapter! I hope you all enjoy it! **_

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"_Why then? Why did you do that to me?"_

I take a deep breath, well, as deep as I can with my lungs still weak from inhaling so much smoke, and begin to talk slowly, carefully, trying to help him understand my reasons. It's hard though, especially since I'm not even completely sure of my reasons.

"Matt, I didn't know what…what my life would be like…when I left." I start, pausing a moment to catch my breath. "I had no idea what I'd end up having to reduce myself to…what I'd have to do to survive."

I have to stop again. Even though my throat isn't dry anymore, speaking still takes a lot of effort. My breathing is shallow and I notice that I'm shaking, though I'm not sure if it's because I'm struggling to talk or because I'm an emotional wreck.

"I couldn't risk having you get hurt…just because I wanted to leave. It wouldn't have been fair to you." I pause to catch my breath before continuing. "I thought you'd be worse off if I took you." I finish, knowing that nothing I said explained enough.

Matt lays my head back down and moves his hand away. I can't help but think that this is it. He'll probably tell me what I'm most afraid to hear; that he can't stay with me…that he doesn't want to stay. Something about how we'd known each other for so long that he couldn't quite bring himself to just let me die, despite how much he wanted to. Whatever he says, I can't help but think I won't have him much longer, a thought which terrifies me. Strange, considering I said I hated him before leaving and hurt him in more ways than I want to count. I can't believe I was too stupid to think of what my leaving like that would do to him. If I'd lived up to my reputation as the second smartest kid there, I could've saved us both so much pain.

"Mello…" he starts, and I do my best to brace myself for the worst. Damn, if only I could see. I'd do anything to see his face for just a few seconds. If I could look at him, I might be able to make a guess about what he's feeling. At the very least, I'd have a fresh image of him in my mind, a recent picture to think of. Even that would be enough to make this easier for me.

"Mello…please don't leave me again." His voice is soft and calm, rather than being angry and hurtful. So very different from how I thought it would sound.

For me though, the relief comes from the words he spoke…he didn't say he hated me, or that he was leaving. No, he asked me to stay. He wants me here with him, despite everything I did to him.

"Matt, why?" I ask, unable to even begin to understand him. "After all I did, what I said to you, I-"he touches my lips again, a familiar signal that I should just shut up.

"You've been watching me Mello." He says simply. "You were never as skilled with computers as me, so it wasn't hard for me to hack into your system. I found notes about what I'd been doing and information about cameras you'd installed at places I went. You've been watching since not too long after you left."

I feel his hand move up to touch my forehead and I hear him sigh softly, as if he'd been waiting a long time to tell me he knew. I want to say something, but, somehow, I get the feeling that I should stay silent. This is his chance to talk, not mine.

"I wondered why you bothered, for a while anyways. I used to run different ideas through my head; were you laughing at me for thinking we were friends? Or did you just want to see how badly I was handling life without you?" At this part, I really have to fight against myself to keep from yelling that I would never laugh at him, that I never wanted to see him in pain like that. Miraculously though, I surprise myself by managing to stay quiet.

"I decided though that you weren't that kind of person. I'd known you long enough to guess that much. That meant there was only one alternative; that you still cared about me and wanted to be sure I was okay." he says, and he's right. Honestly, I was scared that he might do something drastic, as a result of my leaving. He was already a chain smoker; I hadn't been able to stop that, so it wouldn't have really been a stretch for him to start taking something stronger, especially if he was convinced it would help him feel less pain or calm down or whatever other reason exists. Still though, as much as I watched him, I never saw him do that. I was proud of him, I still am, for taking care of himself and for figuring out my intentions. There are reasons why he was one of Wammy's top 3 students.

"You figured me out completely." I say softly, still trying to wrap my head around that fact. "I never imagined you would." Choosing my words carefully, I continue. "Please Matt, you have to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you. It's just that you were so…determined to come with me…I thought that giving you a reason to hate me would… would be the best way to break it off. I had to do something to keep you from following."

I realize that, underneath the layers of bandages, my eyes are wet. Talking about this is bringing back all my repressed memories of that night, memories that I've refused to dwell on, mostly out of fear that I would break down entirely. I hurt like I did that night, but there is a difference.

He's with me this time, sharing in it all with me instead of me hiding all my reasons away. That makes all the difference in the world. I remember though that everything was always more bearable if he was involved, like when it was decided he was smart enough to be in the advanced classes with me. When I had him for company, rather than just being stuck working with the idiotic cream-puff, class instantly became less of a task. I think I managed to forget that, in the years since I left.

"Are…are you mad at me? I wouldn't blame you for hating me." I say, whispering the last part, unable to talk louder. There's no way I'll ever be able to make peace with myself unless I know the answer to that question. Even if his answer is yes, at least I can then resign myself to that fact. I'd like to think that I'll be able to move on, but I know I'm just lying to myself.

Matt is silent for a moment. "When you first left, I don't think I was angry at you so much as I was at myself. I believed what you said about me not being strong enough to protect myself. I guess I blamed myself for your leaving." I can't believe how calm he still sounds, especially when I know I'm losing it. I break him off, furious with myself for ever making him feel that way.

"Matt, I didn't leave because of you! You're the only reason I stuck around as long as I did! Please-" he cut me off, putting a hand over my mouth as he interrupted.

"Please Mello, let me finish." He says quietly. I nod and he uncovers my mouth.

"As I said earlier, after a while I figured out you were watching me. That's when I realized it wasn't my fault you left. I was really mad at you for a while, mostly wishing that you'd have just let me come, since I thought that would've been easier for both of us, but Mello, I've never hated you." He paused a moment before continuing.

"When you finally called me and asked me for help…" his voice fades and I feel a tear hit my face, but it's not mine. I know he's leaning over me.

"Me-mello, I was s-starting to think…that I'd never h-hear your v-voice again." His voice keeps breaking as he talks and a fresh wave of guilt ripples through me.

I reach for him with my good arm, guessing at where he is. Moving slowly, it only takes me a moment to find his face. He's crying more than I thought he was; years worth of contained emotion finally being released.

"I'll never leave you again Matt. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…" I whisper, swearing to myself that I'll never be responsible for hurting him like this again. I feel him hold my hand with both of his, keeping it pressed against his face. He nods his head a little.

"I know you are Mello…I know…" he says quietly, though it's not quite a whisper.

We both sit there, well, fine, I'm lying down, but still, we're together and that's the important part. Neither of us tries to move; both of us staying frozen in that moment. I'm not afraid of losing him like I was, and I hope that he's feeling the same relief that I am. The part I'm still having trouble with is figuring out how I was able to leave at all. This reunion has made me aware of just how much he means to me, how much I rely on him. I still have to finish healing, emotionally more than physically. Even so, I'm fully certain at this point that I'll never willingly give him up again.


	5. Sight

_**Author's Note: T_T Ah, I'm so terrible!! I made you all wait so long and I'm sorry!! Do I even have readers left? I don't even have a good excuse for taking so long, so yeah, I feel very bad… I'm trying to write more often, so I don't think it'll take nearly so long to get the next chapter out. ^_^**_

_**This chapter is for all you wonderful people who've put up with my inconsistency regarding my updates. I love all my reviews and the give me confidence to keep writing! Special thanks go out to MissehKheel, xxbeyondxbirthdayxx, ebo2, jinnabun, Living in a Fantasy, Miss Hal Gibson, Brittni, Diabolus Kara, and lily(.)flower for their reviews. You all are the reason I write.**_

_**Also, a big thanks to everyone who has added this story to their favorites and/or to their alerts. I'm sorry I can't mention you all by name (there's so many of you and I don't have a list of your names!) Either way, just know that every time I get an email saying someone else has added me to a list of theirs, it makes me giddy. **_

_**Ah, one last thing before I let you all start reading. I wrote a one-shot for MissehKheel's compilation **__**The Completely Serious Adventures of Super Matt.**__** My story is chapter 5 with the title **__**The Stupid Game and the Cocky Gamer.**__** Anyways, if you're interested in reading it, please leave a review! I love reviews on that story as well!**_

_**Ah, wow, this is a long AN. It's almost a page in this document. ^^; Very sorry about that, but not nearly sorry enough, I think. Anyways, I hope you all love this chapter. I don't know if I'm very happy with the end, so please, tell me what you think! Also, I don't mind constructive criticism at all. In fact, I welcome it. Thank you all again for putting up with me! Love you all! ^_^**_

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Nothing exciting really happens during the next few days. It hurts too much for me to move, so I just lay on the couch, getting up only when I have no choice.

I'm not awake very much; when I am it's just for an hour or so at a time. Matt changes my bandages, and then we usually sit in silence, with me being unsure of what to say, assuming he's feeling the same way. He holds my hand though, and it reassures me that he's there.

Things drag on like that for three days. Finally though, on the fourth day, Matt says he thinks my face is healed enough to take the bandages off my eyes.

"Really?" I ask, not sure if I heard right. I've been waiting for this, to be able to see him, so I don't want to get my hopes up.

"Yeah Mells. I mean, you're still not in great condition, but I don't think that having your eyes covered is helping much anymore." He says, confirming that what I heard was correct.

"Right now?"

"Sure."

The second the word is out of his mouth, I lift my right hand up to the back of my head and lean up, as I begin trying to get the cloth wrappings off. It's a struggle with only one good hand though.

"Slow down. Let me do it. You might hurt yourself." He says, pulling my hand back down. "If you sit up, it'll be easier."

I decide to go along with what he says, knowing it would be pointless to argue that I can do it myself, since there's no way I can. Matt helps me sit up before starting to untie the bandage. He works slowly, and while I know it's because he doesn't want to reopen the wounds, I still wish he'd go faster.

After about a minute, he stops.

"What's wrong?" I ask immediately, afraid he's discovered a complication.

"Nothing. I was just going to say you should close your eyes at first and open them slowly. Remember that they haven't been exposed to light in several days." He warns.

"Alright, I'll be careful. I just want to see y-"I stop myself from finishing that sentence, not wanting it to sound too desperate.

He either doesn't realize I was going to say more, or decides its better not to ask because he doesn't say anything as he finishes removing the cloth.

There's light coming in through my eyelids, but not much, so I carefully open my eyes, going as slowly as I can.

Everything's blurry at first, but I'm able to focus after a minute. The first thing I see is Matt, sitting right in front of me, smiling. Only one thing about his appearance is different.

"Where are your goggles?" I ask, seeing his eyes for the first time. Ever since I first met him, he's kept his eyes covered. I don't remember anyone ever seeing him without the goggles on; not even me, and we were roommates. Why'd that change?

"I took them off." He says simply, smiling at me.

"I've never seen you with them off." I say, lifting my right hand to his face, brushing his red hair out of his eyes. He blinks twice, unused to having his face touched, I'd guess. After that though, he keeps them open as he stares at me and I stare back at him.

"I still wear them most of the time." He replies, not moving at all.

"Then why'd you take them off now?" I ask, purely out of curiosity. I mean, what reason is there?

"I guess I felt like I should. It just seemed like the right time." He says, still looking at me, but not quite meeting my eyes anymore. I can't help but think that I see his cheeks turning pink, but I'm not certain about that. I'm probably just imagining things.

I'm quiet for a moment, studying his face.

"They're really green…" I say after a minute. Now I'm certain that Matt's blushing, though I don't know if he's aware of that fact.

"Um, yeah, I guess they are." Matt mumbles, looking down at his hands. I can't figure out why he's acting like this. He's not usually shy. Damn it, I hate not being able to figure things out. It's exactly why I was never in first, so yeah, it's a sore spot.

"Hey Matt, what is it?" I ask, hoping he can help me understand why he's acting like this. "You don't usually mumble like that."

Matt's silent for a minute before glancing up at me again, still not saying anything.

"Matt, what is it? You know I hate it when I don't get what's going on." I say, trying to keep myself from sounding exasperated, though I don't know if I'm succeeding.

"Mello, it's just…I…well…" Matt starts, but he trails off without finishing his sentence.

"Matt, please just tell me." I say, my voice softer than I thought it would be. What in God's name is going on with you Matt?

Suddenly, Matt looks at me fully, his face looking almost, I don't know, determined might be the best word. Then, out of the blue, before I even have time to process what's happening, I feel his lips pressing against mine. It only lasts a moment before he pulls away. He's blushing pink and he looks down at his hands again.

"Ah, sorry…" he mumbles, standing up. I just watch as he leaves, going into one of the rooms off the one I'm still in and closing the door.

Wait, Matt just…did he just _kiss_ me? That's a stupid question to ask myself. Of course he did. I can't say I expected that. But why'd he run off?

I sit there for a few minutes, thinking about what happened. Does that mean that Matt loves me? I can't think of any other reasons to kiss someone like that. On top of that, I can't help but be confused. Why me? Especially after what I've done to him.

Strangely enough, the hardest thing to understand is why I'm not irritated. Randomly being kissed like that should bother me, since I generally hate any sort of physical contact that I'm not prepared for, but it doesn't. I look up at the door that I know he's behind, and I know he's probably thinking like I am about what happened. I consider several possibilities, but none seem right until one thought crosses my mind. Is it possible that I might have feelings for my best friend?


	6. Mutual

_**Author's Note: Hey everyone! See? I wasn't lying when I mentioned in my one-shot that this would be updated soon. Sorry it took so long. Hope you all weren't too tortured by that. ~_^**_

_**Once again, I want to thank all of you that reviewed the last chapter. I recently hit 50 reviews on this story, thanks to all of my regular reader/reviewers. I still can't believe I have that many!! Thanks to MissehKeehl, Miss Hal Gibson, Diabolus Kara, Living in a fantasy, jinnabun, xxbeyondxbirthday, ebo2, tsuchikin901, Dlvvanzor, , Catherine Wheels, let's eat candy. or Mello, and xPuppychanx. Thirteen reviews overall!! You're all so kind to me! ^_^**_

_**Also, thanks to all of you that have favorited this story, or have added it to your story alerts. In addition to that, thank you to everyone that added me to their favorite author list. That really makes my day!!**_

_**Lastly, thanks to my Mom and Dad, who not only are completely fine with the fact that I write shonen-ai, but also read this story. I'm very lucky to have them. ^_^**_

_**Alright, enough stalling. On with the story! I really hope you all like it. Thanks for reading! Love you all!**_

**_I don't own Death Note. If I did, L wouldn't have died._**

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I know I need to talk to Matt. Slowly, I stand up, though it's difficult at first. I haven't walked in days and I'm still hurt. Carefully, I make my way to the door to the room Matt went into. Leaning against the wall, I stare at the door, unsure of what to say.

'This is stupid. I need to just knock. I'll figure out what to say as I go.' I think, raising a hand and knocking. I wait a moment, hoping for an answer, but I don't hear anything. Reaching down, I try to turn the handle, but he's locked it.

"Matt, let me in." I say, keeping my voice from rising.

There's no answer. At this point, my legs hurt too much to keep standing.

"Matt, I need you to come out now. I can't stay standing here much longer." I say a little louder, hoping that he'll come out if there's a reason.

"Mello, just go sit down. It's not good to strain yourself." Matt calls back calmly, though I don't hear him coming to the door.

"I'm not sitting down. You need to get out here and talk to me!" I say, getting frustrated. If he thinks he can kiss me and not give me an explanation, then he's really more of an idiot than I thought. "You know I'm just going to wait here, even if it kills me." I add, thinking that might speed up the process.

"I'll be out later. I need to…think…" Matt replies (Did he just hesitate? That's not like him…) Perfect, he's decided to stand his ground. What happened to the Matt that did whatever I told him? Oh yeah…I left him…damn it…

"Matt, you can think out here. We need to talk. You can't just leave me out here like this!" I say, getting desperate towards the end, as much as I hate to sound like that.

Perfect, my legs are giving way. I didn't think that would actually happen. I lean against the wall, trying to slow myself down as I fall. After a moment, I hit the ground, wincing a bit.

"Matt, damn it, get out here! I need help now, so you'll have to come out sooner or later." I say, careful to keep my temper under control. I can hear footsteps now, coming closer to the door. I'm glad that I've finally gotten through to him. However, the footsteps stop and the door doesn't open.

"Mello?" I hear Matt say. His voice is quiet, though I can't tell if it's because he's being careful, or because he's scared. "Mello, I'm sorry. Please don't be angry at me."

"Matt, I'm not!" I say, a little frustrated that he thought I'd be mad at him for something so small; especially after he'd forgiven me for being so terrible to him.

The door cracks open a bit and I look up. Matt's cautiously peeking out, probably wanting to see if I look upset or not, deciding if it's safe to leave the safety of his room. "Matt, please just come out." I say, a little irritated that I'm begging like this. It's not like me to beg, not when I usually get my way without trying.

Matt opens the door a little more and walks out, avoiding my eyes, it seems. He doesn't say anything, almost like he's waiting for something.

"Matt, come here." I say, more like an order than a request. He hesitates, but after a moment, he does what I want and crouches down, still not meeting my eyes. I continue to watch him for a moment, contemplating my next move.

Without really thinking about what I'm doing, I grab the front of his shirt with my right hand and pull him closer to me, my lips meeting his, though I'm more forceful than he was. It's just my nature. I've always been more forceful than him.

He seems surprised at first, but he quickly gets over that and kisses me back. After a moment, I pull away, though I don't let go of his shirt. I don't want to give him the opportunity to put distance between us. "You idiot. I didn't mind it at all earlier." I say as softly as I can. He looks surprised, though I don't know if it's because of the kiss or because of what I said.

"Mello, you didn't mind?" Matt asks, almost disbelieving. It seems like he's mostly confirming it to himself. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I think I've wanted that for a long time. I just didn't know it." I say, surprised at how calm and, well…_sappy_ I sound. God, I hate sounding sappy…

Matt doesn't seem to mind though. He opens his mouth, like he's going to say something, but closes it after a moment.

"What?" I ask, knowing that he has something to say, even if he's not saying it.

"I just…" Matt starts, pausing to take a deep breath before continuing. "I just never thought there'd be a chance that you'd let me do that…" he says, his voice becoming quiet.

"Do what? Kiss me?" I ask, more confirming it to myself. "I didn't exactly let you the first time…" My face feels hot. Damn it, don't tell me I'm blushing…I'm supposed to be better than that…

Matt smiles a bit, watching me. "You didn't get upset though. That's what I was talking about." He says, sitting down on the floor next to me. "Have you figured out my feelings yet?" he asks after a moment, looking away from me.

"Wait, your feelings? Towards me?" I ask. I'm not used to anything involving emotion. I can't help it if I'm confused.

Matt nods and looks at me again, blushing light pink. "I love you Mello. I have for a long time." He says, his voice soft.

How can he love me after everything I've done to him. I abandoned him, I never contacted him and told him where I was. When I did call him, I begged him to save me. I've been nothing but terrible to him.

"How can you love me?" I ask, needing to know. "After how much I hurt-"

He presses a finger to my lips, silently telling me to shut up the same way he did when I still couldn't see him because of the bandages.

"Just believe me. I do. I have for years, since before you left. Why do you think I was always so eager to follow you around?" Matt says calmly, his eyes locking with mine. "It wouldn't have been so unbearable when you left if I hadn't loved you…" I feel guilt attacking me again. "…and I wouldn't have been able to forgive you so easily when you needed me." He adds, and I can't help but feel a little better.

"Matt, if I'd known back then, I wouldn't have left like I did. I'd have taken you with me, or I would've stayed in contact or something…" I say, trailing off at the end as it becomes harder to talk. I don't want to cry, but I'm close to it.

"I'm sorry I never said anything. I should've told you how I felt, but I was scared to." Matt says quietly, his voice almost a whisper.

"It's not your fault. I should've done better without knowing all that." I reply, blinking as I feel tears collecting. "When you were the only person I was close to…" I trail off, wiping my eyes. I look back up at Matt, and before I'm entirely sure what I'm doing, I wrap my arms around him and pull him close. "I love you too Matt." I finally say, tears flowing freely, a rarity for me; no, more than that. I haven't let myself cry since I first showed up at Wammy's. It really is a big deal for me to be emotional like this.

I feel Matt's arms wrap around me, his head resting on my shoulder. "Thanks Mello. Thanks for saying that."

We stay there for several minutes, simply holding each other. Neither of us says anything, preferring not to ruin the silence. I know that I'm in love with him. I can't say how long I've had feelings for him, I just know they're there now. He's enough to make me happy, and he's able to calm me down. I say a silent prayer in my head, thankful that Matt didn't give up on me completely.

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_**A/N: Please review! Your reviews are my life source. No, really, the keep me alive, through all the school and work and other stuff I have to do. There should totally be an IV of reviews. Yeah, that would be awesome… ^^Wait, what do you mean I'm not making any sense?**_


	7. Priorities

_**Author's Note: Hey everyone! I'm finally updating this! Yes, I'm aware it's been several months…sorry… -_-**_

_**I was working on a few other stories, and decided to procrastinate on those to work on this instead, haha! I really do intend to finish this though. It's all a matter of figuring out how that's going to work. ^^;**_

_**The big problem I'm having right now is whether or not I'm going to end this canonly, or if I'm going to work something out that doesn't involve character death. What do you all think? I'd like opinions on this, so if you don't mind taking the time to review, I'd love to hear what the readers think.**_

_**Of course, that's assuming I still have readers…**_

_**I shouldn't make that assumption, should I? Everyone's probably abandoned me at this point because I fail at consistency as a writer. **_

_**If anyone's still reading this, please review. I'll finish this story, reviews or no reviews. I still appreciate reviews though!! And I'm more likely to work on this sooner rather than later if I get them! ^_^ It'll at least give me motivation.**_

_**Ah well, I should stop wasting time and let people read chapter 7. Enjoy!**_

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"Hey, Mello? Near's going to Japan," Matt announces one day, several weeks after he saved me. I've gone back to working on the Kira case, but now I have help. I know Matt would rather I stop, even if he's never said it. I can't though; I'm too close to winning this to stop now.

"That confirms he's getting closer to finding Kira. L figured out early on in the case that Kira was based in Japan." I reply. I should probably be more excited about the news, at least for Matt's sake, but I'm not. I sort of knew this was coming. After talking to Near, I started having Matt keep tabs on him and his computer system, just in case something like this was to happen.

I look over at Matt, but he's already gone back to the computer screen. I can't tell at all what he's thinking about all this. I'm guessing he already knows what my next move will be. I'll be surprised if he doesn't.

"Matt…" I start, but then he looks over at me and smiles.

"Mello, I've already got tickets, okay?" He cuts me off to speak, and, sure enough, he got it right. This is why I love having him around. I don't have to explain everything all the time.

"When are we leaving?" I ask, hoping that we'll be able to go sooner, rather than later. I don't want Near getting too far ahead.

"Tomorrow." Matt replies, before frowning slightly. "Is that enough time to pack?"

"It's plenty of time." I answer.

I go to sit down again, but then I turn and look at him instead. "Hey, Matt? Thanks."

He looks at me, smiling again, and pulls his goggles off, letting me see his eyes. "No problem, Mels. You know I don't mind helping you out," he says, before going back to his computer again.

Silently, I leave to go start packing. If we're leaving tomorrow, I've got a lot of things to finish getting ready. There's only so much we can take with us, and I'm not about to try and separate Matt from all his game systems. Yeah, those are top priority.

Neither of us talk much the rest of the day. We're both preoccupied, both with packing to leave, and with other things. He's trying to erase traces of his computer system, and I'm trying to convince myself we'll both be able to come back here someday. Working on this case is dangerous, and in the back of my mind, there's always the lingering thought that I'm not going to make it. I'm going to keep Matt safe, but if solving this means I have to die, so be it.

We're quiet on the plane too, not wanting to draw too much attention. It's not safe to talk about Kira anymore in public, unless you have something good to say about him, of course. It's better to just not say anything.

Matt managed to get us a place to stay too (he really is amazing when it comes to planning,) so we didn't have to mess around once we get to Japan. Just a little apartment on the edge of town, about the same as his place in Los Angeles. It's easy enough for us to keep a low profile anyways.

We immediately get everything set up again: the computers, the security, everything. Matt does a quick check on Near's system and, sure enough, he's already here too.

Right now, I'm just sitting on the couch, going over files again on two of the computers. I'm exhausted from everything, and I don't really notice anything until Matt taps me on the shoulder. I look over to see he's sitting next to me.

"Mels, we've done a lot today. Put that down for now, okay? We can work tomorrow," Matt says, carefully closing my laptop. If it was anyone else, I'd have already thrown a fit, but it's Matt, so I don't. Sighing a little, I set the laptop on the little table by the couch.

"Happy?" I ask, looking over at Matt.

"Yeah," he says, half smiling.

I smile back, before putting an arm around him and pulling him closer. "Thanks. For everything," I say, my voice quiet. He really did make all this possible. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to leave when I did, and I wouldn't have had anywhere to go once I did get here.

"Anytime," he says, moving closer. We're quiet for a bit, just sitting with each other. Normally I'd be itching to get something done, to work on the case, but strangely, I'm content with just sitting here.

"It's not normal," Matt says after a moment, breaking the silence and confusing me completely.

"What's not normal?"

"I pulled you out of a burning building, I'm enabling you to fight Kira like this. Mello, it's not normal." Matt's always said strange things sometimes, even if they end up making sense.

"It's not healthy that you want to help me?"

"Not that, exactly. It's more…I doubt that it's normal how much I'm willing to do for you. I don't think most people are like this." He's completely serious, and I frown slightly.

"You don't have to do all this, Matt," I say, quieter than I meant to. "It's my fault though in the first place for calling you. I shouldn't have done that."

He looks at me, and the serious intensity in his eyes is more than I'm used to seeing in my laid back, game-obsessed friend. He only looks at me like this when he really wants me to listen to him, and I always do.

"You would have _died_ without me…and I'd have never known what happened to you. Even if I did figure out how you died, I'd have known that I could've saved you, if I'd known where you were, and what was going on. Don't you dare say you shouldn't have called me when you did. I'm serious, Mello."

I'm not suicidal, so I'm not going to argue when he's like this. Anyone who thinks Matt'll do anything I want is wrong. He really can get scary sometimes, even when we were kids. It's just a little reminder of how he hasn't really changed.

"I just mean that I shouldn't have put you in this position," I say, sighing a little. "Matt…you deserve better than this." I really mean he deserves someone better than me, but I can't quite bring myself to say that.

Very suddenly, Matt's arms are around me and he pulls me close, holding me tight. "Mello, I love you. Don't you get that? I don't care where I am, or what I'm doing, as long as it's with you. As long as you decide to go after Kira, I'll be right behind you, helping you out in any way that I can." His voice is quiet as he talks, but he's dead serious.

"I love you too, Matt. I know I should just give up on this case, for you, if not for any other reason, but I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't do that."

"I'm not asking you to quit the case, especially not when it's so important to you. I just don't want you to think that I should be anywhere but here. I'm with you because I want to be, and that's not going to change." He smiles a little, laughing slightly. "If I was able to make it through the years after you left, I'm not going to leave now. I can promise you that."

Perfect. I feel worse now. "Matt, I promise you that this is the last case I'm going to work on."

"Wait, what?"

"After Kira is caught, I'm going to be done. I'll stop setting things up so you always have to follow me. We can settle down somewhere, okay? I'll stop constantly putting us in danger like this."

"Mello…are you really serious?"

"Yeah."

"You're not joking?"

"Why would I joke about something like this?" I say, scowling a little.

Matt kisses me for a moment, then pulls back and looks at me, our eyes meeting. "Thanks, Mels," he says, before kissing me again.

I weave my fingers into his hair, kissing him back passionately. I want to forget about what I'm doing, how it affects both of us. I want to be able to ignore the guilt for a while, and just be close to him.

In this moment, everything feels right. I still have the lingering thought that I won't make it to the end of this case, but I'm determined to try to get out of it alive. Dying doesn't scare me, but leaving Matt again, when I promised him I would stay with him…I can't let that happen. I just want to live with Matt, and make him happy. For once in my life, I've got a priority besides beating Near.

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_**A/N: Really though, do review if you have time! My main question is should I kill Matt and Mello at the end, or let them live? Follow canon, or go against it?**_

_**Also, should I attempt to write a lemon at some point? I can't promise I'll go with what people say, but if enough people want this, I'll at least try, haha. Like I said though, I can't promise it'll happen. I sort of fail at lemons…**_

_**Please tell me what you guys want in this story! Thanks! ^_^**_


	8. Plans

_**Author's Note: Hey all! I'm back with chapter 8! Ah, huzzah, my classes finally got out.**_

_**Oddly enough, I've had this written up for ages (that was my productivity level in one of my more boring classes, which I shall not mention by name, but shall only ask that you believe that it was terribly boring). Sorry for taking so long to type it up, but I just didn't have the chance, until tonight anyways! Ah, the fun of being productive in a class, but without actually paying attention to the class itself.**_

_**Also, you'll all be happy to know that chapter 9 is mostly written as well (also in my class…), so I'll be posting that very soon! After that, I think there'll only be two more chapters, maybe more, if I end up being inspired to write something else for this story. Either way, this is getting close to the end, and I actually know how I'm going to end it. I'm looking forward to getting the last couple chapters written out, so I can finally see everything together.**_

_**Here's the usual "I don't own Death Note" bit. The disclaimer, yeah…I don't own Matt, Mello, or any of the canon story they're in. I don't own anything, really. That's why it's fanfiction though. :3 And, while I don't own them, I do love the boys. I wish their characters were mine…sadness…oh well.**_

_**All that beings said, please enjoy the chapter! Ah…I hope I still have readers…**_

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Takada has to be stopped. She's got pieces of the Death Note, and I know she's working for Kira. It's the only way to finally end this. I know it's dangerous to go after her, and I know that I'll probably die. The only thing that really bothers me is that I'm breaking my promise to Matt; the promise that we could be together after all this is over. I didn't mean to lie…I just didn't realize at the time that my life would most likely be the trade for stopping Kira. I swore I'd stop at nothing to make sure he was caught…and I can't go back on that now. No matter how much I want to, I can't go back.

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It's been several weeks since Matt and I picked up the Kira case again. It's not going to last much longer. I've got a gut feeling about that, and I've learned to trust my feelings by now.

"Hey, Matt?"

"Yeah?" Matt responds, not looking up from his computer.

"Do you think you'd be able to act as a distraction?" I ask, trying to sound casual. I don't even know if I want to go through with this plan, so there's no need to make a bigger deal out of it than is necessary.

Matt thinks for a moment before replying. "Depends. Who would I be distracting?"

"No one, really…Just a couple bodyguards," I reply offhandedly.

Matt is silent for a long minute, and I'm guessing he just doesn't want to go through with whatever I have planned. Without really thinking about it, I start forming a new plan.

"It's Takada, isn't it?" He finally says, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You're going after her."

I hate to say it, but he read me perfectly…just as he always does.

"Yeah, that's right," I say, trying got keep the defeat out of my voice. "I know she's directly connected to Kira. If she's caught, it'll be easier to stop Kira."

"I got that," Matt replies, and I don't doubt it. He understands a lot of things before I explain them. "It's risky though, especially for you. Do you honestly think that's the best plan?"

"No," I say automatically, maybe a little too quickly. "But I haven't come up with anything better."

"I think I can pull it off," Matt says, answering my original question. He stops his game and turns to look at me."You already know I'll do whatever you need me to. I want Kira to be stopped as much as you do."

He becomes silent as he goes back to his game, and I stay still, staring at the back of his head.

I can never understand his devotion. I think he walk off a cliff if I asked him to. That kind of devotion… It can't be healthy. Why can't he just consider his own well-being for once?

I head back to the bedroom, angry for no real reason. Matt picks up on it (I can tell,) but he doesn't follow.

I lock the door, and go to stand by the window, looking out at nothing. All I can do is ask myself if I'm making a mistake. Should I drop the whole case now for the sake of keeping Matt and myself safe? Near can do this on his own, can't he?

Thinking about that for a moment, I conclude that, no, he can't. Kira's got people helping him, like Takada, and because of that, Near and I both need help. I have Matt, but who does Near have? The SPK members don't really count at this point.

Maybe, in the end, Roger and L were right. Maybe I really do need to accept that Near and I need each other. Fuck, I hate thinking like this… It's true though, and I can't ignore it anymore.

The real reason I'm thinking like this now is Matt. Before, I was only looking out for myself, but now I'm trying to look out for him too. He's important. He's worth taking care of. I want him to live through this, even if I don't. If nothing else, I _will_ save him, and if that involves teaming up with Near, so be it.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door.

"Hey, Mells? What's wrong?" Matt asks, not trying to open the door. He's probably waiting to be invited it, or let in, since he probably can guess I locked the door. "I hate it when you don't tell me what's wrong. You don't have to keep everything to yourself."

I'm really not in the mood to argue with him, so I get up to go open the door. Sure enough, he's standing there, waiting.

"Seriously, Mello, talk to me," he says, and without even thinking about what I'm doing, I wrap my arms around him, and pull him close. He goes along with it, not questioning me.

"Everything's going to be fine," I say, more to try and convince myself. "We're going to be fine."

"Mello, I…" he starts, and I try to figure out how I'm going to explain what I mean to him. "…don't worry about it, okay?" he finishes, his voice a little quieter than usual. "We'll do what we have to, and everything'll work out fine."

I don't respond. Instead, I hold him tight for a moment, before pulling back, looking at him intently. He opens his mouth to speak, but before he has a chance to say anything, I press my lips to his, kissing him. It's different this time than it normally is though. I kiss him strongly, almost like I'm trying to reassure myself physically, as well as mentally.

I'm thankful when he kisses back, glad I'm not the only one who wants (or maybe even needs) this.

We both pull away at the same time, panting slightly as we try to catch our breaths.

"We're going to be fine," Matt finally says, meeting my eyes through the orange lenses of his goggles. "So stop worrying, okay? I'm more than capable of causing a distraction."

I laugh a little, and try to ignore the tears collecting in the corners of my eyes. "Yeah, I know you are," I reply, looking down slightly.

"So we're going to take her down?"

"I was thinking more of a kidnapping."

"Kidnap her then. Whatever," Matt replies nonchalantly.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"When?"

"Soon. Later this week, if we get the opportunity."

"Sure thing. I'll start looking at the best ways to get to her building, to see where we'll have the best chance at getting out," Matt replies, his voice still oddly calm, considering what we're talking about.

"Thanks, Matty," I say, biting my lip. I don't thank him as much as I should, and I know that's awful. It's just not in my nature to thank people.

"No problem, man," he replies, giving me that cocky grin of his, the one he has when he's beating twenty different opponents on a game, or getting through a hacking job of what's supposed to be an "impenetrable security system." I wonder if he's right to be so confidant this time, or if he'd be so confidant if he knew I probably wouldn't make it.

Really, there's only so much we can do with computers and research. The only step left to take is to kidnap her. That'll leave Near a nice chance to get at the primary Kira; the one who started this whole mess, and the one who killed L.

I'm resigned to doing this, but my resolve wavers whenever I think of Matt, and of what I'll be missing with him if I don't get out of this alive. For the first time in my life, dying is actually starting to seem like a really bad option.


	9. Consequences

_**Author's Note: Hey everyone! Chapter 9! This is getting close to the end. If it goes like I'm planning right now, there'll be either one or two more chapters. Most likely two, but on the off chance that I don't write enough for two chapters, it'll just be combined into one.**_

_**Anyways, all that aside, I hope you all like this chapter. Things are starting to get tense between Matt and Mello, since they're starting to figure out what solving the Kira case is going to take on their part. They're definitely angrier in this chapter than I usually make them.**_

_**Enjoy, and please review! ^_^**_

* * *

"So, when're we doing this?" Matt asks in a mumble. I guess that he's talking about the kidnapping we're going to be doing.

"In two days. I've been following her schedule, and we're going to have the best chance at getting to her then."

Matt mumbles a response, his attention going back to his game. Lately, he's been ignoring the surveillance work, in favor of devoting more time to his games and cigarettes. Normally, this would piss me off, and I'd end up having to replace at least one of his systems. I'm not going to lose my temper with him right now though; not when our futures are so uncertain.

The problem is that, as the hours and seconds pass, I become less confidant, and less certain that we're going to be okay.

Feeling like you know you're going to die…think about it enough, and it'll make you sick, to the point of wanting to just shoot yourself in the head, in hopes that it'll act as a remedy that'll make you stop thinking.

It takes me until Matt states staring at my hand that I realize just how close I am to going through with that plan. My fingers are closed around the handle of my gun, seconds away from pulling it out and using it to cover the floor with my genius brain matter.

Matt snuffs his cigarette out on the table, something else that I used to have, but don't really care about anymore.

Seconds later, he's got another cigarette in his mouth, cursing as he tries to light it. He finally gives up, muttering that he's out of lighter fluid. He tosses the useless lighter into the trash, but holds the cigarette between his lips, like he's hoping it'll light itself.

I move my hand away from my gun, and Matt relaxes enough to go back to his game.

Sighing a little, I go to sit next to him on the couch. Normally, I'd leave him alone when he's on his game, but this is different, and I don't think he'll mind me distracting him.

"We have to do this," I said, hoping that hearing myself say it out loud will convince me of that fact.

"I know," Matt replies quietly.

"There's no other way."

"Yeah."

"Kira will be caught if we do this."

"Uh-huh…"

"L will finally be avenged!"

Matt just nods in response.

I'm silent for a moment, listening to the way my breathing has picked up from my moment of fake confidence.

"Then why the hell do I not want to go through with this?" My voice is almost a whisper; far quieter than I wanted it to be.

I can't believe I said that. I'm always sure of myself, and I never back down. Once I decide to do something, I never ever change my mind.

I'm not the only one surprised by this. Matt turns to look at me, his unlit cigarette falling from his mouth to the floor. I can tell he's got about a thousand questions he wants to ask. I don't know if he's avoiding saying anything because he doesn't know what to ask first, or because he's answering them on his own.

"We're going to die, aren't we…" he says, and I can tell it's not really a question.

"I didn't say that." Of course I didn't. I was sure as hell thinking it though.

Matt's quiet for a moment, probably trying to decide if it's worth it to contradict me.

"I don't mind. Dying for this, I mean," he finally says.

Now I'm confused, and he can tell.

"Well, I wouldn't have agreed to work on the Kira case in the first place if I hadn't been prepared to die," he adds, shrugging.

"You're not supposed to die for this," I say quietly, looking down.

"But you are?" he retorts, snapping at me a little more than usual.

"Yeah," I reply, not really thinking about what I'm saying anymore.

I'm completely taking off guard when Matt shoves me back into the couch, restraining me. I usually forget that he's capable of doing this, mainly because he never goes against me. Through his goggles I can see his eyes, and they're dark with anger.

"So you've got a death wish then?" Matt asks, his voice colder than I think I've ever heard it before.

"What? No! That's not it! Matt, calm down, man. Seriously-" My sentence gets cut off as Matt shoves me back against the couch hard, telling me that, if I'm smart, I'll shut up.

"What is it then? You're not even trying to get out of this alive! It's like you _want_ to die, or something. Is that it, Mello?"

I'm too stunned by his outburst to say anything at first. "Matt, I-" but he cuts me off again.

"You're so ready to die, but you expect me to live?"

I open my mouth, but I have no clue what to say to that. No, I don't want to die, but it's necessary. I can't just say that though. It's not what he wants to hear right now. It's unusual, but I have no idea what exactly he _does_ want to hear from me.

"You're going to leave again," Matt says, his voice getting quiet as he looks down.

"No, I'm not leaving you again, Matt! You know I'm not going to do that!" I choke, finally managing to speak again.

"If you go into this, fully expecting to die, you might as well be leaving." Matt lets go of me and gets up, still not looking at me.

"Matt, I…I just don't want you to get hurt," I say, surprised at how timid my voice sounds right now. It makes sense though; this is the first time Matt's ever scared me. He's never angry at me like this.

"I don't know why I let myself think this would last," he says, ignoring what I said, and refusing to meet my eyes.

I stand up and reach for him, but draw my hand back, thinking better of it. "I want it to last too, Matty," I say quietly, almost pleading, like I think he's going to be the one to leave me now, instead of the other way around.

"Then stop acting like you're just going to let yourself get killed," Matt replies, looking over at me slightly. "At least _try_ to make it. Or act like you'll try. I just hate hearing you talk like you don't care about living anymore."

I reach for Matt and pull him into my arms. "I'll try, Matty," I whisper. "I'll try for you. Please don't think I don't care about living. I do, Matt. I really do."

Matt's stiff for a moment, but he relaxes into my arms, holding onto me. "Don't you dare let yourself get killed," he says quietly. "I'm not going to stay alive without you, so if you want me to make it, you have to try to make it too."

I bite my lip, not wanting to hear anything about Matt killing himself, but I don't respond to that. "I promise, I'll try as hard as I can. I want to stay with you. Don't think for a second that I want to leave you again." Gently, I touch his chin, tilting his face up to meet his green eyes. "I've never questioned anything I planned to do until now. Part of me doesn't want to go through with this, because I don't want to risk dying and losing you, Matt."

Matt blinks as I finish my sentence. "Really?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, Matt. It took me years, but I finally figured out that I want to be with you. I wouldn't care about dying right now, if it wasn't for the fact that it would mean I wouldn't get to be with you. I wouldn't be second guessing myself if I didn't care about you so damn much." I start to look down as I finish talking, but he touches my face, and makes me look at him again.

"That's all I needed to hear, Mells," he says quietly. He's smiling, but his eyes have a sad look in them. "I'll stay with you to the end, whether that's next week, or in a hundred years."

The promises we made to each other make me regret this even more, but they also give me the strength I need to follow this through to the end. I can't help but pray right now that we'll both make it; that Matt and I will both be alright. I just want to live through this plan to see him again. If we don't make it, my prayer is that we'll meet again when we die, and that we'll spend the rest of eternity together.


	10. Completion

_**Author's Note: Hey everyone! Only one more chapter after this. This story is finally getting close to ending. **_

_**This chapter's a little short, and I'm sorry for that. I just couldn't add any more to it though, so it's going to stay short. Ah well…**_

_**Thanks to all of you who have stuck with this story. These last two chapters are dedicated to you!**_

_**Enjoy, and please review! ^_^**_

* * *

~January 26, 2010~

Do you regret anything, Matt?

Do you wish we hadn't gone through with this?

Do you wish you hadn't told me you loved me?

Do you wish I hadn't said I loved you?

Do you wish we'd never met?

* * *

As I watch the back of Matt's car disappearing down the street, taking a different route than I am, several thoughts go through my mind in a matter of seconds.

I wonder if he hates me for this. I thought leaving him like I did was the most hurtful thing I could do to him, but this is far worse. I know he doesn't hate me though. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this. He'd have refused to help. Hell, he might've done that even if he loved me. I know he doesn't hate me though. I wish he did. It would make me feel better about this.

I've pretty much condemned us both to death. I keep praying that we'll both make it, and that I'll get to hold him in my arms again, but even praying isn't fixing the sick feeling in my stomach.

Normally, I'd try to ignore that pain. I'm good at that. I had to be good at that, to survive in my line of work. It doesn't seem right tonight though. If I'm going to make choices that'll probably get me and my best friend killed, I should have to suffer for it. Maybe that's just the suffer-like-Christ Catholic in me talking, but either way, I think it's true.

When the time comes for me to leave too, I kick my motorcycle to life, and take off down the street, heading for the destination. Even with my task so close at hand, I'm still devoting most of my mind to Matt. It's amazing that I can even concentrate on where I'm going when I'm hardly thinking about the task at hand.

I'm thinking of everything now, from when we first met at Wammy's House, assigned to the same room, to the first time I kissed him (it was on a dare when I was thirteen), to when I saw his face right before leaving, to when I heard his voice again after so many years apart. I can almost feel his lips against mine as I remember when he kissed me after he saved me. The memory makes me smile.

My thoughts jump forward too, flashes of things that haven't happened yet forcing their way into my mind. It's painful, thinking of all the things that we'll never experience or share. I think of all the places we'll never visit, the cases we'll never solve. Even that's not as hard to think about as what comes next; all the evenings we'll never spend together, sitting on the couch, and all the times we won't fall asleep in each other's arms. I get short flashes of all the nights we won't make love, and all the mornings we won't wake up together.

Every new thought in my mind brings with it another shot of pain. I'm scrambling to come up with another way, anything to keep us alive. It's too late though. Matt's too close to his destination, and even if I had another plan, by the time I were to stop my motorcycle and get his number dialed, he'd already have the bodyguards on his tail.

I'm forced to resign myself to dying. I'm starting to realize just how much I want to live. My timing really sucks. I want to live just when I'm about to die. It hardly seems fair, though it's not like life's ever been fair.

I can see smoke outside the building, and a flash of red goes by as Matt speeds down the street. He's finished drawing their attention. That's my signal to get close to the entrance.

Just as I had calculated, Takada is right by the doors, Halle at her side, telling her to get into the building. This couldn't have worked out more perfectly, as far as the plan goes. I skid as I stop at the entrance, only a few feet away from my target, who's trying to go inside.

"No," I hear myself say. "We've just been attacked. It's too dangerous for you to stay around or inside the NHN."

I couldn't care less about what I'm saying. I'm only saying what I think will accomplish the task, nothing more.

"Then best thing for the moment is to get away from this place. Please, get behind me, ma'am."

Halle gives Takada the go ahead, and I feel her climb onto the back of my motorcycle. I take off, intent on completing my part in this.

Even as I execute the plan, most of my thoughts are still of Matt. I send up prayer after prayer in my head that he'll be alright. A few of the prayers are for myself; prayers that I'll be saved, so I can see Matt again. I can only hope that God is listening to me tonight.


End file.
